As it's time to wind down life here in Naples, I begin to realize all the things I have not yet done.  Thus, my list of things to do - which used to be quite small and realistic - has now stretched into the List That Never Ends... and it keeps on growing.

How I'm going to do any of these things before I leave in January is beyond me... But I'm going to try and get as many done as possible.  Wish me luck!

The unavoidable... such a scary concept, really, when you think about it.  Simply because, ten to one, if we could avoid it, we would... gladly.  There are things we put off, hoping to never have to deal with them, talk about them, think about them... And when we have to, it's generally with a great deal of dread, only to be followed up (generally) by a feeling of great relief.  Weird, isn't it?

Just my random thought for the day.

And here we are again... examining life and the quickness of it all.  Time is supposed to dull the wounds, the hurt, the pain... So, if that's the case, why does it hurt again whenever another one happens?  Why, when I'm sitting in a memorial service, does my mind flicker back to the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that?  The pain may be ancient, but the heart still aches for those lost souls.  Yes, we should be glad in some cases, but what about the others?  What about the ones where we're lying to ourselves and to their parents when we say, "They're with the Lord now" ?

Forgotten faces and memories float past my eyes.  Shards of conversations and sound bites of comforting words echo in my ears.  I wake from dreams that are so vivid I would almost call them memories... but the people in them have long since disappeared from the face of this earth, and so I know that they are nothing more than dreams created by my imagination.

I am reminded that things like this have happened in the past and will happen in the future... Somehow, that doesn't comfort me very much.

"See, it's like sugar under the foam," he said quietly.  "The foam is the first thing you can taste, and it always seems to be bitter.  No matter how much sugar you pour in your cup, it doesn't affect the foam.  But it still affects the drink - still affects us.  Too much sugar and you're left with a sickeningly-sweet taste in your mouth, and not enough sugar and it's just bitter.  But the right amount... is perfection."

She looked at him blankly.  "What does that have to do with me?" she asked.

"How much sugar do you want to be to someone?  Do you want to be that sickeningly-sweet taste that makes people feel the need to brush their teeth because it's so sweet?  Do you want to be that slightly bitter person who everyone wants to avoid, because, let's face it, who wants to be around someone who's always bitter about something?  Or do you want to be that person who makes people smile, and doesn't interfere with life, just makes it that much better?"  He smirked at the bemused look on her face.  "Think about it."

It's autumn here... Funny, for the last nine years, I've marked 'fall' by when the high school homecoming game is, but 'autumn' is always when I start drinking tea every night.  And this year, they fell during the same week.

I've always loved homecoming week - it just has so much flair to it.  Thus, I am always a bit shocked when someone has to ask me if I'm going to the homecoming football game... I'm an alum of NHS, why wouldn't I be there?  After all, how many people can laugh about how horrid our football team was while I was going to school here, and be so proud of the current team for not making the same mistakes my freshman and sophomore football teams did?

Anyway, we won - 35-34.  The game was great fun to watch, I got to sit with some great friends, and to top it off, it rained (poured, really) during the game.  I love standing in the rain.  I love being soaked and then pretending to complain about being soaked.

And then, I loved that it was autumn.  Because when I came home and chucked off the sopping wet clothes that I was wearing (my sweatshirt's still soaked, eight or nine hours later), I could curl up with my hot tea and a book.  Granted, it wasn't Pride and Prejudice, which is always my first choice, but schoolbooks weren't bad either.

So, lucky me, I got to celebrate fall and autumn in the same week, and even the same day... I will admit, however, that I was missing dear friends who used to sit at my table and have tea with me... You are all in my thoughts often.

Blessings to everyone.

You know what the irony in it all is?  I can write about my faults - I can numerate them to death.  I can so easily place you on that pedestal and leave me in the dust.  For I could see what was coming, I knew where this road would probably take us....

I can make a list of what I did wrong; I can look you in the eye and tell you it's my fault.  It's always my fault, because I'm a faulty person - I'm human for crying out loud.

I smile wryly when someone asks and try to be honest with them.  But seriously, what’s the point?  I mean, what good is being honest with them if I can’t be honest with you?  What good is knowing what I did wrong if I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway?  Where’s the learning, the adjusting, the compromise?

I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to debate, I don’t want to be witty and sarcastic and cynical and droll… I don’t want to have to take and wake up my brain for every conversation we have.  Ironic, no?  Because we live for those conversations – we live, wanting to be intriguing and mysterious and unpredictable…

Everyone wants to be special, to be unique, to be loved.  What’s so wrong with that, you ask?  Nothing, except that we are all special, unique, individual… and loved.  Why do we feel the need to become even more just so someone else will look on us?

Girls dream about a guy who will love them and think they’re beautiful even when they look like hell warmed over.  At least, girls like I do. 

So what’s the point?  I mean, why play games with words all the time? Don’t you wish that you could just be plain spoken and honest?  Shouldn’t that be more important than whether or not you can confuse everyone you know?  And why do I end up smiling at those guys, laughing and encouraging them?  Why am I one of those girls?

I study and I ponder and I consider and I write… I cover pages upon pages with the expressions of my heart, placed into words and stories that somehow make it all easier.  I give advice to girl friends about situations they’re in – heck, I give advice to guy friends too.

And in the end, I rip up most of the writing, throw out most of the thoughts, and ignore the things I studied so hard… Why?  What makes this so hard?

I'm not Cinderella,
Not waiting for my prince to come.
Instead, I'll slay my own dragons,
Fight my own battles,
And live out my dreams through my songs.
But if a prince should walk in my life,
All I'd want him to see...
Is that a girl can be as strong as him and
Still need someone deperately.

~J.L. 2005~

Posting this here because a friend reminded me that I should.  New title for it, so everyone oooo and ahhh....

I'm looking forward to springtime.

Several of my friends have argued with that statement, saying that spring has arrived.  I'll admit, the clue I usually use to tell if spring is here has come and gone - the leaves are green on the trees now, and there are no more white or pink flowers on them.  Even the wisteria has come and gone (a surprise, considering that it's only the beginning of May now, and they usually bloom through early June).  Yet the cold weather lingers... a reminder of the winter that I cannot seem to shake off my skin.

I always look forward to those first couple of really nice days of spring - that's the time when the doors of the house get flung open really early and stay open far later than they really should.  As the sunlight and wind flow into the house, it's almost as if they help remove a layer of tension, of grime, of restlessness...

Don't get me wrong, I love winter just as much as the next person.  It's when winter has lasted too long; when it gets to the point where cabin fever runs rampant... that's when I'm ready for those glorious first days of spring.  Instead, we are stuck with weather that loves to trick us into hoping that its springtime.  One nice day, followed by a rainy or cold spell, well, it's enough to make a girl want to cry.

I know, I know, since it's been a while, I should be writing about what's been going on in my life.  But I entreat you to have patience with me - the winter grime and tension has yet to leave my shoulders. So I'm hesitant to write down what's been going on, for fear that I won't look back with happiness but with that crankiness that comes when one has too wait too long for change.

I know, hardly logical.  ~*wry smile*~ Then again, all of you have known me long enough to know that I am not always logical.  So, I hope that you'll forgive that this is not a usual entry, updating you on my life.